This is one thing I had to overcome, of recent a friend of mine, told me I am an EMPATH and she was reading the attributes of empaths and they were all things I do or feel. It was then I knew why I felt the way I do and why I react how I do.
I always found it hard to say NO even when I knew it would affect me negatively. Felt I could make everyone feel happy and if I said no they would feel bad and I didn’t want that.
You can not be everything to everyone, you have to know where to draw the line. It is time to learn how to set boundaries and stop people-pleasing if you want to live a healthy life.
So whether is your family or relationship or your friends, there should be set boundaries of things you can take and does that is a big NO for you.
Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean, selfish, or uncaring (just) because I don’t do things your way. I care about me, too.
Christine Morgan
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are limits we set with ourselves around what we will or will not tolerate from people. Most people don't set boundaries for themselves, so when people cross the line they get hurt.
Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.
Henry Cloud
I am sure you have done something you didn't really want to do just because you did not want the person asking to feel bad.
As a people pleaser, you are always trying to make sure everyone is ok, except yourself. You have to start being responsible for yourself alone because you are abandoning yourself.
You have to take control of how you spend your time and take good care of yourself instead of sharing your energy on others. Always have your own back.
Importance of Setting Boundaries
- Boundaries improve our relationships and self-esteem
- It gives us space to grow and be vulnerable
- Boundaries protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.
- Boundaries allow you to confidently and truthfully say YES or NO and you will be OK when others say NO to you
How To Set Boundaries And Stop People Pleasing
Setting boundaries will unleash emotions but will help you with stress (emotional, physical and mental).
1. SELF AWARENESS
You need to know who you are, what you love, how you feel about things and want you don’t like. What is your personal core values? Core values are important beliefs of a person that help guide your actions and behaviour.
Examples of personal core values
- Dependability
- Reliability
- Loyalty
- Commitment
- Open-mindedness
- Consistency
- Honesty
- Efficiency
- Innovation
- Creativity
- Good humour and the list goes on.
What your core values and standards are will help you in setting those boundaries. So it may sound basic but a lot of people don’t have standards they just take what comes along. If you don’t have values and standard people will take advantage of you.
Sometimes we are afraid to set boundaries so we don’t lose our family or relationship or friends. Also, we don’t want to be looked at like been difficult, sensitive or have high standards.
We take in that blame and manipulation and doubt want we want.
2. SPEAK UP/ COMMUNICATE YOUR DESIRES
Express your feelings, needs and opinions so people know your standard and what your boundaries are.
You don’t want to be that person that is walked on by people and anyone can say whatever they feel like to you and you won’t respond. Even if it would be uncomfortable or you are scared you will hurt or offend someone.
Just speak kindly you don't have to be mean or aggressive or angry. It should be from a place of love, you love yourself and if the person wants to be in your life then they should do the bare minimum in terms of respect, courtesy, privacy etc.
If you communicate these values and standard kindly, people that understand healthy relationships and boundaries will get you. For those that don't understand the line, they will not be a part of your life as far as you keep sticking to your standards.
It is self-empowering to communicate what you want from others and it builds your self-confidence.
3. SELF CARE
You have to learn to love yourself, be kind to yourself, make your well being your priority in life, your feelings, mental, emotional and physical health.
“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary”
Doreen Virtue
Take care of the most important person in the whole world which is YOU. Always do want is best for you because no one will look after you or have your back as you would.
Give yourself permission to be happy, to be you and do what you love and what makes you happy in life. Do not allow fear, or any negative thoughts hold you back from been happy.
4. LEARN TO SAY NO
This is one aspect of my life I am happy I have improved on. Learn to say no for things that don’t serve you. When you say no you are saying yes to the things you truly love and you don’t need to make up and excuse or feel bad.
“You have the right to say NO without feeling guilty”
Manuel J. Smith
I travelled out of state and a friend of mine called me to help her bring the rug she ordered in the state I travelled to whenever I am coming back. Although I knew she will feel a bit unhappy I thought about the stress I would have to go through travelling for 8 hours plus on a bus with a rug.
Immediately I told her no, I felt a bit bad but I kindly told her to pay for shipping because if I didn't travel by that time she would have still paid for shipping.
I am not saying I can't help my friend but if the package was small or I was using a personal car that it would have just been at the car boot while I drive. I would have done it because it won't have stressed me.
Always ask your self hope saying yes is not a disadvantage to you.
5. STOP TRYING TO FORCE HARMONY
Know that in life not everyone would love you no matter what you do. If you have this in mind you will stop trying to please everyone. Most of the time we want all our relationships to always be in harmony at all cost, but that comes at your own expense.
Stop trying to make everything ok or make everyone get along every time because it won’t happen everyone has there standard and boundaries so you have to respect that.
6. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR PEOPLE FEELINGS
I had to tell myself this one over and over again, as an empath it comes with a lot of discomforts. I don't want to hurt or offend anyone so I hold back from being honest. That is a big mistake if you are a people pleaser, you should not take responsibility for how people feel. When you do that you act as if the person can not handle their emotions.
How they respond to what you say or do is not your responsibility but theirs. If they feel bad or hurt it is their problem to deal with, provided you communicated to them in an honest and kind matter.
7. START SMALL
Whenever you are starting something new start practising it little by little and before you know it you have communicated your boundaries to people around you.
CONCLUSION
It would feel strange when you start to set boundaries especially if everyone is used to the people-pleasing you. But take that step for your own best interest you will feel good putting yourself first.
You may even be surprised people will understand you. I am getting better at not people-pleasing and it is working perfectly for me.
THANKS FOR READING!!
